Beneficial Communication—Something we can all benefit from!
/For the last two years, I have been part of a feminist book club. We meet once a week for one hour. Most of the members are business owners, so in some ways, we’ve also become a mastermind, supporting one another on this amazing journey. It is the one hour that I always do my best not to miss.
A few months ago, one of the books we read was Tea and Cake with Demons by Adreanna Limbach (Sounds True, 2019). It was an insightful read, grounded in Buddhism, but widely applicable. The book's goal is to help us learn to “befriend” all aspects of ourselves, including those sneaky demons who might lurk in the shadows and undermine our true sense of worth.
One of the sections of the book I read over and over was “Beneficial Communication”—likely because my career has focused on communications! Granted, times are different from when the Buddha walked the earth—no Slack, MS Teams, or IM. Limbach recognizes this and takes a modern approach to what it means to have “Wise Speech” from the Buddhist Eightfold Path today.
In reviewing the pink highlighted sections from my copy of the book, here is what stood out to me in the Five Gates of Speech:
“Is now the best time? When and where am I communicating?” What emotional state are you in right now—and is it the place to communicate from? Would it be better to pause and hold off on communicating for the time being? Also, what channel or platform are you going to use to communicate with, and is it appropriate to the content of the message? Would the message at hand be best served with a phone call instead of an email (“I respect you enough to hear your voice and connect directly”)?
“Am I communicating the truth? What am I communicating?” How often are you using what Limbach describes as “hedging” in your speech—to avoid being direct, you might use words like “possibly” or “kind of” or “it could be.” Or qualifiers in the form of a question at the end. Focus on what you know. And when you don’t know, say you don’t know. And there is the truth of your experience versus the absolute truth. Be clear on which one you are using.
“Am I communicating gently? How am I communicating?” Especially in divided and polarized times like we have today, it is not necessarily our first inclination to check ourselves for our empathy in our language. Even when there is a hard truth (see above) involved, it is possible to write and speak with kindness—“Can you say what you need to say in a way that respects other people’s basic dignity?” I would add that your sense of worth and dignity is positively affected when you speak/write with dignity.
“Is what I’m communicating beneficial or detrimental? Why am I communicating?” I would say (kindly of course) that this is a big one—especially on the socials. In the last couple of years, I have learned to pause before posting and ask myself, “what am I really trying to say here and why—what is the purpose, and is it good or bad?” Will what I write or say make things better or worse? How would I feel on the receiving end of this communication? If it’s detrimental and purposeless, then it doesn’t need to go out there in the world—it certainly won’t honor your worth.
“Are my intentions good-spirited? Am I the best person to deliver this message?” This is tied closely to the point above. Are you feeling angry, upset, or think you won’t be heard? Then you might not be the right person (at least right now) to deliver the communication. Or maybe you’re too close to the situation. As much as it makes me a little crazy, my daughter takes to heart her guitar teacher’s instruction and a reminder to practice—whereas I get the classic eye-roll. And the corollary is also true—you are the best person to deliver a message. I have personally been learning to stay on the sideline and let marginalized, unheard voices ring loud and clear with their message in a situation.
As a kid growing up in Canada, I remember a news program called “W5” (it’s still going strong!) that took its name from the five Ws of journalism—who, what, where, when, and why. If you add the W on the “how,” you pretty much land with the Five Gates of Speech.
Just like the act of giving, Wise Speech benefits not just the audience (receiver) but the speaker (giver), too. Whether written or oral, I’m doing my best to remember the Five Gates—starting with hitting the pause button.
Photo by Natasha Hall on Unsplash